Spudger!

The Guide to Everything

139 Food/Fruit/Oranges

September 22nd, 2010

The orange is the fourth most popular fruit in the world: the first being tomato, then apple, then banana. William of Orange even named himself after one, although he favoured the kumquat more, but that would make a ridiculous surname.

The orange is so popular that religious zealidiots march around 

Ireland shouting its praise.

It is the favourite colour of the county of Essex, keenly displayed on every inch of its female inhabitant’s skin.

Like the word silver, orange doesn’t rhyme with any other word. Except door hinge, Blorenge (a hill in Wales), lozenge, challenge, scavenge, sporange (a spore sac). So quite a few. If only people would think about what they are saying, and these silly rumours wouldn’t start. This is how society stagnates. There is no cure for cancer (there is). Richard Dawkins is really clever (he is not). Think about it. 

You still stuck on silver? Chilver (a female lamb).

In many languages the orange is known as the Chinese Apple. Is that racist or taking the pith?

Orange plant is very versatile. Its peel can repel slugs. Its leaves can make tea. The heat tolerant, dense grained wood is used for manipulating slender electronic wires in the form of sticks called spudgers, which is perhaps the best word in any language. Spudger. You seen my spudger? What would a spudger say? Worship my spudger!

The word orange, like so many words, is from Sanskrit – narangah meaning orange tree, which in turn is a Dravidian root for fragrant.

Or at least that is what they want you to think. It is in fact from a lost Irish tribe called the O’Rangers. These people were keen campanologists. They all had bright orange hair, the kind of dazzling hue that makes Ron Weasley’s coiffure look like an atramentous ebony in comparison. They became extinct due to other tribes finding their insatiable desire for bell based opera annoying. Because of their Belisha beacon barnets and their campanological cacophony, sounding like epileptic Morris Dancers at a Mike Oldfield concert, it was impossible for them to hide and so they were justly exterminated.

And of course this is ludicrous and no one would believe it, as no one would believe a person would take Orange as a surname and there is such a word as spudger. 

William of Spudger!