144 Sports/Football/The Header
September 29th, 2010A very wise man (Stewart Lee) once said “I hate football and everyone who likes football”.
Most people just hate football.
Only about two people in the world actually like football, both are men. No women like football; they just pretend in order to get pregnant.
The rest detest it, but think they like it because of constant brainwashing by the media. It takes a wise man to realise he hates football and also hates anyone who likes football.
If you are reading this and thinking ‘wait a minute I love football, it is my religion, my reason to exist’ then you are either a brainwashed delusional or the karmic pressure of everyone in the country hating you has made you a failure in everything you have ever tried to achieve. Grow up.
The reason people hate football is the header. An 8 year olds head weighs about 3 kilograms. A leather ball soaked by rain, mud, and dog excrement weighs 10 kilograms. 3 times as heavy, falling from a height of several meters; the effect is a jarring, splintering, neck wrenching pain that is remembered vividly forever, the band of blackness spreading across the brow, the bastard behind the eyes that not even the most rabid whiskey fuelled, 3 day alcoholic binge is worthy of licking its rancid cigarette butt and puke infested feet, the tense fear of hitting your nose again causing the eye watering, stinging, buzzing pain and ribald laughter from the other kids, the meagre satisfaction of actually scoring a fluke goal compared with the throb and hum of the resonating aftermath as several million more brain cells commit hara-kiri rather than face that ignoble death, a supernova exploding in the head as a cold frost bitten ear is caught by the terse leather and canine crap, frontal bone collapse, cranial carnage, jaw shattering agony is why we all hate football.
Peer pressure kept you going up for those headers and peer pressure keeps you going down the pub to watch the match. Same with the cricket ball catch, the rugby scrum, and hopscotch (see
7 Pastimes / Sport / Hopscotch).
So snap out of it Britain, time to get a life, time to take a deep breath and admit that you hate football and everyone who likes it.
If the header was outlawed football would still be rubbish and only another 5 people would actually want to watch it; 4 homosexuals and 1 woman, and that’s only because they would mistake it for erotica.
Header Training – much easier than the real thing.
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