Elvis vs. Dan Shears. You try copying Dan. Go on! See! Impossible!

137 Entertainment/Music/Cover Versions

September 20th, 2010

Ever since Elvis Presley made millions from doing nothing more than eating burgers, redefining the dictionary definition of arrogance and singing other peoples songs all day, the cover version has become an incredibly powerful weapon in the artistically challenged musicians armoury. 

Eastbournebastards Toploader are a great example of this; as are laughably childish pseudo rap-metal annoyances Limp Bizkit plus any of the satanic spunk ejaculated weekly from Simon Cowells blistered cock. Madonna is also worth a special mention for digging up Don McLeans 4 hour over-indulgent part-country part-cancerous shit-fest American Pie and Celine Dion for not asking ‘what’s an AC/DC?’ before launching into a version of You Shook Me All Night Long while high on Ecstasy pipes at a cocaine fuelled mega-orgy in a Las Vegas casino.

An even stranger phenomenon is the cover band, an outfit which has given up all hope of writing original material, renaming themselves something pitifully ironic such as The Grown Roses and dressing up as 50 year old transvestite versions of Ian Brown, John Squire, Mani and the drummer. Some of the worst cover bands in history come from the north west; Wigans 60s beat combo The Beadles caused widespread condemnation after a sponsorship deal with a local plastic surgeon lead to a controversial version of I Want to Mould Your Hand, while Chorleys brit-pop ukulele 5 piece The Flids were booed off stage at a disability benefit concern when trying out a version of Verve favourite The Drugs Don’t Work. The world of cover artists was thrown into disarray however in 2007 when Tranmere John Lennon cover artist Oh No Yoko was walking home to his local authority home after a particularly successful gig at the Red Lion in Bootle and came face to face with ‘Fan #1’,  a particularly convincing mimic Mark Chapman. Since this unexpected meeting of reality and impersonation, paranoia has started to set in; Chuck Berry impersonator Mike Ding-a-Ling’s B&B business has severely suffered, Lincolns favourite rock n roller Barry Lee Lewis has been forbidden from attending any family get-togethers and Gateshead based metal outfit Slack Sabbath have had their technically perfect but historically inaccurate Genu Varum suffering guitarist Bandy Rhodes suffer a lifetime ban from travelling with EasyJet.

In 2001 there were an estimated 85,000 Elvis impersonators worldwide. In 2010 there are 6,697,254,041 Elvis tributes. That is everyone, everywhere. By the year 2020 there will be more Elvis’s than actual people. Why? Coz he is very easy to emulate. Why? Coz he aint that good. You try singing like Pavarotti or Dan Shears. Go on! Impossible.