The Pope and Mrs Slocombe's pussy.

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132 Religion/Catholicism/ The Pope

September 9th, 2010

Popes were originally the ecclesiastical equivalent of the court Jester – a role designed to bring amusement for the masses. This explains the funny hats, hilariously ridiculous Latin catchphrases and the crossing dressing.

A Vatican leak has confirmed that Pope Benedict XVI is going to bring back the clowning tradition during his visit to the 

UK in September 2010.

The itinerary shows that he will perform the ‘Marylin Munroe’ skirt lift as he descends the airplane stairs. This will knock his hat off on to the tarmac leading him nicely into the Buster Keaton ‘Troublesome Hat’ routine as he tries to pick it up only to ‘accidently’ kick it further away. Next a stooge ‘protester’ will run from the adoring cheering crowd and custard pie the fool. His exit from the runway will be littered, with banana skins, single roller-skates, marbles, pyramids of tin cans, cardboard boxes and carts of melon. Expect a hilarious Norman Wisdom tribute.

His passage to the Queen’s Holyroodhouse residence in Edinburgh will be hampered by trucks spilling their cargo of chickens, geese and cute adorable kittens. One of each animal will find its way into the Popemobile and start a rib splitting bout of hay fever for his Excellency. By the end of the journey the carriage will look like the inside of a paedophile’s trousers after a Stephanie from ‘Lazy Town’ dance sequence.

Once inside the palace Benny will be further embarrassed by the goose that has decided to nest in his cassock. The beast will periodically appear from the pontiff’s groin region and peck at the royal backside.

Retiring for the evening, Ratzinger will recreate the Fawlty Towers classic of planting a sooty hand on Betty’s left breast, culminating in a series of seemingly randomly manufactured but entirely inappropriate sexual positions, ending with the Oblique Albanian Traction Feltch.

At the beatification of Cardinal John Newman he will deliberately mispronounce the clerics name and give the title of ‘The Blessed John Inman’. This will be followed by 35 minutes of shouting ‘I’m free!’ and talking about Mrs Slocombe’s pussy in an ‘Are You Being Served’ recreation masterpiece.

Tickets for the show have sold out. However, it is rumoured that Tony Blair is selling his for £5 million in order to make up for his recent loss of earnings. 

Cardinal John Inman keeping a breast of Mrs Slocombe’s pussy.