Beetroot!

138 Emotions/Fright/Beetroot.

September 21st, 2010

 

The neutrino movement is a curiosity. A neutrino is a particle that can pass through the earth without leaving a trace, making it extremely difficult to detect. The neutrino movement is a bowel movement so swift and a stool so dense that it shoots from the sphincter and disappears around the U-bend without leaving a trace. A full neutrino movement must always be followed by an angel wipe, a wipe that leaves no mark on the loo paper, so the person is left with nothing to detect and wondering whether or not he has evacuated anything faecal at all. 

Like the neutrino movement, the beetroot purge makes you think ‘what happened there?’ but also because of the red betacyanin pigments makes you shout “Arghhhhh! My arse just fell out! I’m going to die!”

This can also appear in the urine and the more common cry is “Shit! Shit! Shit! I’ll stop masturbating, please god let me live!” Especially with the ladies.

There is only one thing scarier than the beetroot poo and that is Cold Play. If Mrs Cold Play (whatever her name is) gets on the band wagon and starts proclaiming that beetroot is the new wonder health food and then Mr Cold Play (whatever his name is) excretes a ‘song’ extolling virtues of beetroot enemas then the end of the Universe will happen. Not even Kershaw and Saint Jimi of Hendrix can prevent this (see 122 HUMANS/ANIMALS/1980’s POP ICONS and 36 EVIL/ABSOLUTE EVIL/COLD PLAY). Now that you know this you must shut it from your mind, never speak of this, and certainly don’t sing the lyrics of ‘Yellow’ whilst contemplating the watery redness during the relief stage of your beetroot bowel business. 

Japanese workers repair one of the 11,200 photomultiplier tubes that line the Super Kamiokande neutrino detector broken after Vanessa Feltz lied about her ability to produce a neutrino movement.